I woke up feeling unsettled today and the morning has continued to follow a downhill spiral.
Maybe it was because I went to bed feeling down – I’d said something that wasn’t intended to be hurtful to David but came across that way. I get so frustrated with myself for rarely thinking carefully before I speak. I cause myself untold problems because of this propensity. Apparently, some people don’t choose to vocalize their every waking thought. Who knew? <sigh>
Maybe it was because Kerry got irritated due to these factors:
- He was running late and I had only tried to wake him up 3 times. Gah! What is my problem?
- His hair was not doing its flip-thing properly. He said, and I quote, “I should always dry my hair before I go to bed at night.” Umm…and how many times did I ask him last night if he wanted a little help drying his hair? Twice. He of course said, “No,” with that mildly irritated scorn that 13 year old boys have mastered.
(To Stephen’s credit, he was lovely and sweet and happy this morning. Thankfully.)
Maybe it was because I tried to do too much before leaving for work (my fault, but I love to come home to made-up beds).
Maybe it was because after I finally got on the road the lady in front of me started moving when the light turned green then inexplicably slammed on her brakes instead of continuing to turn right. No cars coming. No emergency vehicles coming. No small children wandering in the street. I didn’t hit her, thankfully, but did this cause me to slosh coffee all over? Oh, yes. Yes it did. Did I have a napkin? No. No I did not. Did I dig a used paper towel (used for what?) out of the side pocket of the car door and clean it up? You bet.
Maybe, just maybe, it was because I realized I had to get gas, that cute little gas icon mocking me as I contemplated trying to make it to work without getting gas (quickly surmising that with the morning I was having, running out of gas would NOT be a good thing – like it ever is?). Or perhaps the fact that it took approximately 47 minutes (give or take) to fill up my car because the pump kept clicking off after 0.000032 gallons went into the tank. *squeeze pump* *CLICK* *pump, pump, pump* *CLICK!!!* Repeat sixty-two times and you’ve got it. ARGH.
Maybe it was because there was a record number of idiots who should have never been given drivers licenses on I-65 this morning. You know, those people who whip around you like they’re on the vice squad and involved in a chase, only to find out that the cars in this lane are at a standstill just like the other two lanes? And somewhere down 65 from my exit there must’ve been a collision of two of those model drivers, and it slowed down everything, and I was running late already from having to get gas…
Maybe it was because I dragged myself into the office with my various bags, purse, lunch, etc. and accidentally bumped someone. I quickly said, “Oh, sorry!” only to be fixed with a glare, eyerolling, and a sort of “hmmppphhh!” kind of noise. I barely brushed them! Remember the old “excuse me for living, the graveyard’s full!”? I should’ve yelled that, really loudly. Don’t you think?
Maybe, possibly, it was because when I finally stumbled to my desk and got my computer going, I had an email from my bank with this subject line: “Helpful Ways to Avoid Overdrafts.” Oh, well, here we go. Within this email I’m going to find some solid advice. I can just tell. I’ll bet I can even guess one of the suggestions: “Keep plenty of money in your account. This will keep your balance positive and insure no more fees for overdrafts!” Double argh.
Well, it wasn’t quite that bad, but it did start off with a bit of chiding:
We realize that it's not always easy to keep track of your spending [HA!] and the exact balance in your checking account [are you kidding? it’s easy – Z-E-R-O] — and Regions wants you to know that we're here to help you maintain financial control [awwww! you guys are so sweet!]. Our records indicate that you have incurred overdraft fees several times over the last year.
Oh, really? How nice of you to notice. “Several times”? My OD fees alone have probably financed some CEO’s last vacation to Aruba.
Then it goes on to give me several options about tying my account to a savings or money market account (excuse me while I laugh uproariously) or to a Regions credit card (excuse me…more laughing).
So, eight “maybe’s” later – I think that at the root of it all is that I am just plain old tired. Tired of being “strong.” Tired of being “special.” Tired of astounding people who “just don’t know how you do it.” (News flash – we DON’T. We almost always feel worn out, or worried or isolated or misunderstood.) Tired of rarely having a cogent thought. Tired of not remembering what it’s like to be normal, to have a normal life, friends, social events, of being so worn out at the end of the day that I don’t have the energy to do anything beyond what has to be done. Tired of watching my husband struggle to deal with things that are out of his control, yet impact him at every turn – with no one to listen or understand or care but me. We try. We try so hard to stay positive, to look for the little things, to smile. But sometimes it just doesn’t work anymore.
So. There. BLEAAAGH to this day.
“I think I’ll move to Australia.”
*For the uninitiated among you who haven’t read the original book which happens to be about Alexander’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day – go, find it, read it, and laugh. It’s a classic.
**Pssst. Thanks for letting me vent.
