Is it REALLY the thought that counts?

My mother always said that it was. Every Christmas she would give me this little speech before the swarm of relatives descended..."Michelle, even if [insert name of cheap and unimaginative relative] gives you a pair of socks, you be sure to say 'thank you.' It's the thought that counts."

It IS nice to be "thought of" - but to make it count I believe there has to be real and genuine care and concern (and action?) behind that thought. This year I have decided that a plain old garden variety thought DOESN'T count. It doesn't count at all.

For the last week we have gotten a small but steady stream of Christmas cards in the mail. Some with pretty scenes on the front, some with trite kiddie-type Santas...and a majority of them leave me quite underwhelmed and rather lacking in holiday cheer. Before you label me as a Scrooge, hear me out. I am TIRED of getting Christmas cards from people that I haven't heard from - literally - since the LAST ever-so-festive holiday greeting. Every single family that sent us a card knows about our life "situation," if you will...every person knows that we struggle to maintain some semblance of a family life while dealing with Stephen and his autism, and everything that goes along with that. So, please...do me a favor and stop sending us your perfectly designed cards containing pictures of your perfectly normal children but noticeably lacking in any personal word whatsoever. Half of the cards we've gotten aren't even handwritten or signed - they're impressively printed by Wolf Camera or the stationery shop, and addressed with a computer-printed address label.

If one of those charming and festive cards had even a small note tucked in ("How ARE you guys? It's been too long! We should've called, but...") then my aggravation would be somewhat less intense. Just a small personal word indicating that they might have an inkling, a clue, a notion...just an acknowledgement that our family exists in a plane that is a bit more REAL than what can be expressed on Hallmark's 2007 Holiday collection.

I didn't send out cards this year, and I found it strangely liberating. Why go through the motions, waste paper and money? The people who know and love us are AWARE of things, and I don't feel the need to send them a picture of a puppy in a Santa hat just because it happens to be December. No, the people who know and care express themselves on a daily basis, offering love and support, and that beats empty platitudes any day of the year. Has Christmas really been reduced to this? To commercialism, empty words, and money wasted?

(Well, duh.)

That's exactly what it is, and I confess that I fall into that trap pretty easily myself. It's fun to shower the people we love (especially our kids) with things they will be excited about...but I think that maybe that's okay. The problem comes when the grownups feel they have to get bunches of goodies too - and don't tell me THAT'S not the case for the typical fairly-well-to-do-upper-middle-class American. As my husband pointed out, the number of commercials for iPods and BMWs and Kay Jewelers literally rivals the number of Barbie and Transformer commercials this time of year. We spend and spend and fight crowds and fight for "bargains" - and then go home to the houses we can't really afford and send Christmas cards to people we never talk to...and sit back with smug self-satisfaction because we "reached out."

Uh huh.

I was thinking recently about the fact that this is America's 5th "war time" Christmas since the Iraq War began...not that you would know it since we're all busily and dutifully following Dubya's admonition to keep shopping, thereby thwarting the aim of the terrorists. Having watched the excellent Ken Burns documentary, "The War," on PBS recently, I was particularly struck by the stark differences between how that war affected the American people 60 some odd years ago, and how we are affected by what's going on in the Middle East now. Other than watching it on the news, DOES it affect us? I don't see any evidence that it does. And I say all that to say this: it's that same attitude - that nonchalant, "if it doesn't affect me directly it doesn't affect me" mindset - that comes through loud and clear in those Christmas cards I've been harping on. We are superficial, shallow, extravagant, and self-centered.

I can say with no guile that I quite often think about others, and that I honestly try to do my best to be a positive person in my day to day life. If having a child with autism has forced my eyes open rather rudely, then so be it. I'd rather deal with pain and difficulty and frustration and maintain my integrity than spend a lifetime never really encountering obstacles and turning a blind eye to what's going on around me.

I was at the grocery store today, moving through crowds of (mostly) pleasant holiday food-shoppers, and I had an epiphany of sorts. I was overcome with gratitude for simple things - a few days off work, the money to buy the foods we enjoy at Christmas, a small but cozy home populated with two little boys who remind me daily to enjoy every single minute of our time together, a husband who cares and supports this writing effort of mine, and an extended group of family and friends who know what it means to love and show concern.

So instead of sending out a Currier and Ives Christmas card pre-printed with artifically manufactured Yuletide cheer, I want to wish those of you who read these words of mine a joyous and peaceful holiday season. I love you all, and I couldn't make it without you.

And to the ijits who keep blithely sending us your Christmas drivel without ever thinking to actually TALK to us? Save a tree next year, and donate the money you'd normally spend on cards to charity - actually HELP someone.

I'm pretty sure that's kind of the reason for the season.