Ramblin' Man

This is going to be short and I wish it could be longer, but I am swamped at work and can't just jump into the zone and let it all come rushing out.

However...I needed just a minute to get some thoughts out, and this seems as good a place as any.

This morning as I waited at a traffic light to get on the interstate, I saw a homeless man walking down the exit ramp, a bag slung over each shoulder. He moved slowly through the cool morning air, paying close attention to the construction going on at this particular part of the interstate. He was dressed fairly neatly, with a rather jaunty fedora-style hat perched on his head, and he looked pretty clean. (Either this traffic light is very long, or I have really developed my powers of observation, no?)

My stream of consciousness, transcribed as accurately as possible: "Poor guy...wandering along. Wonder if he used to work construction, he seems interested in this stuff...walking through all that mud. Yuck. He's ambling - not often you see someone just amble along. He has no place in particular to go today. Maybe he's mentally counting his money to see if he can spring for an Egg McMuffin. He can do whatever he wants today. Nobody's waiting for him. Nobody can really tell him what to do or where to go..."

You know, you really should start to question your sanity when your compassion for a homeless man morphs into some bizarre kind of envy.

I'm being extreme (of COURSE) but there was definitely a part of me that envied the homeless guy. Of course I value my roof, food, warmth, and family. But I get so TIRED of planning, planning, planning - and still I live in a symphony of confusion and tension. At Stephen's recent IEP meeting, we got a lot of encouraging information for which I am very grateful - it sort of softens the blow from last week's results - but I also realized that we have got to micromanage his life even more...get more schedules going for home, for going out on errands, for understanding that he can't pitch a fit every day when I come home from work. My feet feel leaden walking up the stairs every day, wondering when the endless cacophony of "open?!!? friesburgerdonaldshungry???!!! heh-shoes (I'm clueless about that one)" will begin.

There is much more to say but the paperwork is piling up on my desk. I did catch the newest "Jenny McCarthy and her entourage on Larry King" episode Friday night. Don't even get me started.

But maybe this little entry will help me get through the day, and keep me focused on what I CAN control (which seems precious little). More schedules, more pictures, more social stories...a lot of work for a little boy who runs the show, in hopes that in ordering his life more precisely, the other three of us might find a life underneath all the clutter and noise and stress. We've been told that Stephen shouldn't be allowed to "run" our lives, which in theory makes perfect sense. "Easier said than done" would be my oh-so-original retort to THAT jewel.

For now, I'll put away my thoughts of walking off into the sunset, and banish the loop of "Ramblin' Man" that's been cycling through my head. But here's a promise: the next time I get the urge to tie my belongings up in a bandanna on the end of a stick, I'll be back.