Regrets

It's been so long.  Too long?

I routinely get emails telling me that there's a new blog comment waiting to be moderated.  Invariably these are spam comments hawking designer purses or something.  I always check, though, just in case.  And this past Saturday, there was a real comment from a reader named Karen, who remembered Stephen's birthday.  Her comment read:

"Happy 14th Birthday, Stephen!

I remembered this post from last year and have missed your posts as of late. Thank you for all that you have shared over the years ... it really helps us moms out here going through similar circumstances.

I hope all is well in your world :)"

Karen, if you're reading this, please know that I am so touched that you remembered Stephen's birthday, and that you posted this comment.

I didn't put up a blog post on Stephen's birthday this year.  In fact, other than the "draft" post I've been tinkering with since early December, I haven't posted since July 2013.  And I regret that. 

I mentioned this to David and he said, "Well, maybe you don't have anything to say," and at first I was inclined to agree.  But that's not totally true.  The problem is, I have the SAME things to say, over and over, and I feel like people get sick of reading as I pour out my sorrow and woes and so forth...  And I get tired of having those thoughts.  And I feel guilty for having them, and guilty that I'm not somehow making more of my life than I am.

Mostly I'm just tired.

We didn't celebrate Stephen's 14th birthday.  It passed like any other Saturday, and that's for the best - no sensory overstimulation, no confusion over gifts that appear for seemingly no reason, no party.  Stephen is much the same, just taller and bigger...still a baby or toddler in almost every way - same RAGING separation anxiety, still riddled with OCD and all that entails.

I recently ordered a laptop for myself and hope to get back to writing in some fashion, whether it's on here or elsewhere.  I do appreciate the people who have read this blog and reached out - it truly has meant so much to me.

And maybe I'll post again soon...