Carnivàle!

I wanted to stop by and actually write about something pleasant for a change. I can be lighthearted! It happens...

Right now the state fair is in full swing, and since it's located about five minutes from our house, we decided we'd give it a shot...the whole family, too, not just David or myself with Kerry. We got ourselves ready, literally and figuratively, grabbed some McD's for Stephen, and then headed over to the fairgrounds. We didn't talk about it, but I'm sure we were all wondering if this was going to work.

We walked in, and the lights and sounds were as chaotic as you'd imagine. Stephen immediately assumed the "fingers in ears" position, but as we watched, a smile broke out on his face. He was drawn to the lights and the motion of the the rides. He stood for a while and watched a little kiddie ride - boats going in a circle, and seemed intrigued. David took Kerry to meet up with a friend, and so Stephen and I watched the boats. We waited for it to stop, I handed over his tickets, and explained to the lady running the ride that he has autism - amazingly she knew what I meant (whaddya know?) and assured me that she'd stop the ride immediately if he had trouble. So, I popped him into a boat and he settled down. He spent a few turns looking unsure, and then, he GOT it. His smile was huge and I could hear him laughing...bingo!



After a bit more walking around, David and Kerry joined us and we took turns walking with Stephen and watching Kerry on rides. Stephen watched and laughed and danced, having a great time. After a while Stephen decided to try another ride...a sort of bumpy-caterpillar-going-in-a-circle ride. Here he is before the ride started, a bit unsure but still happy enough:



But once it got started, the laughter began again. I watched him, bumping around, flapping his hands, and laughing in total delight, and, instead of taking a picture to show you how much fun he was having, I cried. I stood there in the midst of the festive crowd, and cried. David saw me and put his hand on my shoulder. Kerry's friend and his mom were there, and I saw her watching me. It took me a minute to explain, but just being able to put Stephen on a ride like that, by himself, and see him enjoy himself...it got to me. Not only because he was having fun like any kid, but because it hit me how rare those moments are. He's a big 8 1/2 year old boy who should be chasing his big brother and wanting to do everything Kerry does...and instead, because of this damnable DISORDER, he is on the kiddie rides with the 3 year olds. That fact, my friends, inspires what I can only call a bittersweet joy. I think you understand what I'm saying. I'm overjoyed that he has come so far, and angry as hell that he isn't able to do more.

Yet.

Today we were back to business as usual - getting up and getting ready for school. Things have been going well in that regard for the past few weeks. Today he got up early, before I had the lights on, so we had to fight the Battle of Light and Dark again. It took a good 30 minutes of "No, not 'off.' 'ON,' Stephen!" before he calmed down, just in time to get his bag and get to the car.

Ahh, well. Such is life. I'm savoring the memory of a little boy in a red striped shirt, spinning and bumping in a yellow caterpillar, his laughter spilling out into the night.