Gah. I hate all this lingo. In Codependent No More, Beattie insists that recovery is possible by working through 12 Steps (similar to AA’s Steps) that have been personalized for recovering codependents.
I really am learning a lot about myself from this book, and feel a sense of commiseration, knowing that there are others out there like me.
[There are others. That reads like a tagline for a new M. Night Shama-however-you-spell-it movie.]
Anyway. While I’m finding some positive things in studying the book, I feel really weird about the whole “working the steps” thing. I don’t know – maybe it’s just my initial resistance to change – but it all sounds kind of weird and hinky. “No, I can’t volunteer for that! I make my own decisions! I’m working my steps.” Ewww. I picture a smoke-filled room with a table in the back loaded with bad coffee and store-brand cookies, crowded with folding chairs holding people in various stages of anxiety. I walk up to the podium. “Hi. I’m Michelle. I’m codependent.” A chorus: “Hi, Michelle.” Ewww again.
If you’re at all familiar with the traditional pattern of the steps, you know that God is mentioned. A lot. Or, “God as you understand him.” So, what if you don’t understand him? What if you’re not sure what you think or believe? Sometimes Beattie cleverly uses “Higher Power” as a synonym, but I’m not sure that helps me out a whole lot. But, because I’m determined to get the hell over myself and this clingy codependent claptrap, I’m going to figure out a way to make this work.
I have a sense of the spiritual, of the divine – sure I do. Those moments that stand alone in time – when your heart nearly stops in reaction to beauty (have you seen a sunset in Death Valley, looking out over miles of empty hot vastness, knowing you are but a speck? I have, and I felt closer to God/Spirit/My Higher Power at those moments)…when a child’s arms voluntarily go around your neck, their warmth and humanity elevating both of you to something more…when a mere human’s brain produces thoughts that become words in a poem, the sum total of which rises off the page and affects you…when a musician’s touch on a guitar produces melody that physically jars you to your core, and you are a different soul than before you heard it…these things and others like them convince me that there is a higher place. Maybe that’s not how you’d explain it, or see things, or believe things. But I think that’s okay.
So, to borrow a phrase shared with me by David (and attributed to the late Dr. Eugene Sledge), I will press on, with renewed vigah (Southern accent please), and meditate and reflect upon each step as I come to it – perhaps sharing some insights I’ve found, and perhaps not. This soul-searching business is extremely personal, as a rule, so we’ll see how transparent I happen to be feeling.
See you in group!
(ugh…)
7 comments:
I love you and will NEVER judge. We all have our own demons to conquer and I hope you know that all I ever want it to be supportive of you in whatever what you need be to be supportive. *hugs*
Hi. I joined "blogger" only to comment here and say how incredibly awesome you are. I enjoy reading everything you post.
Thank you for what you've shared.
Thanks CB - your support is appreciated for sure.
Kira, I'm honored that you joined to comment. Thank you for your very kind words.
Hi. Just wanted to pass this on ...
http://autism-blog.com/i-adore-blogger
I hope the link works and that you'll read the other content and maybe even join the site. I cowardly registered here anonymously to comment but have reached the conclusion that people like you open doors to the autistic community.
So, I'm not Kira. I'm Karen in California :)
I found your blog on a Google search for an autism related issue months ago and I've been reading you ever since. I identify with so much of what you share in a way that's almost Stephen King-Creepy (smile, and a nod to Dean Koontz).
Anyway, your entries inspire me. It seems that you are dealing with issues much like mine, and that you share the good and bad and plow forward with a balance of hope and cynicism and a firm grasp of your family's reality.
Karen
Karen, thank you. That hardly seems adequate for the mention you've given me, and for the camaraderie I feel.
I will join up there ASAP, and again...thanks. Keep in touch.
You're quite welcome! The entry in which you illustrated the incident of the hot water faucet on the bath breaking and your subsequent experience confirmed in my mind that we are indeed soul sisters, lol.
It's comforting to know that I'm not alone, as weird as that sounds. In the interest of the common good of humanity it would obviously be best if I *were* the only one, but alas, it seems we are one of many.
Karen
Well, it appears that after several attempts to ditch the "Kira" screen name I have finally established an account with gmail and Blogger. Good grief! What a hassle to set up a new email and jump through all the hoops. I thought I could just change the screen name, but no.
Nevermind the fact that not only am I way behind the curve on all things tech (I'm 39 and registered for my University courses on paper, thank you very much!), but also that I am either incessantly interrupted or become very concerned when I don't hear anyone for two minutes. These coupled facts make my online activity kind of sporadic and unpredictable, mirroring the tone around here :)
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I've changed my screen name ... I rarely comment on sites and am only active on two forums, one of which is my local paper and I DO use an anonymous name for that one.
I was compelled to really be myself here after you acknowledged my first comment. I felt - I don't know - kind of shamed that I wasn't being honest about my name. It's one thing to have an obvious nic that doesn't identify, but something else entirely when someone uses a first name.
Hopefully that makes sense to you ... I realized right away that I could never have a dialogue like this under a fake name.
I read your latest entry and LOVE.IT. I hope to comment there either later tonight or sometime tomorrow. It's just after 10:00 here and my youngest is still awake. Bleh. Sleep, child!
Post a Comment